Before you read this, make sure you're not eating or drinking anything. And if you are easily made to gag or throw up, don't read this. Seriously.
I'm driving home from work and a greasy, nasty-ass-hasn't-shampooed-his-hair-in-weeks guy in the big-ass un-mufflered truck behind me turns and follows me for about 2 miles, picking a winner the whole.entire.way.
Not just a little recreational digging, mind you, but seriously - jamming each finger - on both hands - methodically into his nose, and with metronomic timing. I was so grossed out that I wanted to throw up. It happened so fast - and I will not write it, but yes, he DID do that thing that we hoped and wished that he hadn't.
I switched lanes, he switched lanes. I couldn't get away from him. HOW MUCH CAN THERE BE???? How vile! Were you raised by wolves???
A truly dirty, greasy and disgusting specimen of humanity.
Shouldn't we be able to soap his windows or deflate his tires for that? Not to mention hose him down in Handi-Wipes?
Scream with me, won't you???
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
You Down With OCD?
I live next door to a strange older man with a seemingly incurable case of OCD. His car must either be his prized possession, or he's been vandalized. (Been there.) God help you if he sees you out walking anywhere near his car. And by near I mean within 30 feet.
It's just your run of the mill family-style import, really non-descript but he pays a lot of attention to it. I don't mean he keeps it sparkling clean and rubs it with a diaper, I mean he runs out many times, constantly checking the door handles and locks and I guess inspecting the paint job for bumper kisses. Um, if you locked it 2 hours ago, wouldn't it still be locked?
About a week ago I was washing my windows and I noticed him checking out his car. He's still neatly pressed from work and has his necktie fastened tight around his collar. He did his typical circle-about-the-car, inspected it as always, but then started to measure the space in steps. Like march out there 20 paces and draw, partner!
He went back and forth, methodically, counting steps from bumper to bumper. He got in his car, unfasted "The Club" and moved his car back about 3 inches, got out and measured again. Yeah, still seven paces. Wow. Dude. Get a hobby. Three whole inches... which is a lot if you're not a very well endowed man, but in a parking space? Puh-lease.
I've seen this guy around the neighborhood since I moved in years ago, on the El and in Jewel. I've said "good morning" or some type of friendly greeting and he shoots me these wildly bewildered and somehow angry looks. Who shit on your parade? Yeah. I know - the pidgeons.
It's just your run of the mill family-style import, really non-descript but he pays a lot of attention to it. I don't mean he keeps it sparkling clean and rubs it with a diaper, I mean he runs out many times, constantly checking the door handles and locks and I guess inspecting the paint job for bumper kisses. Um, if you locked it 2 hours ago, wouldn't it still be locked?
About a week ago I was washing my windows and I noticed him checking out his car. He's still neatly pressed from work and has his necktie fastened tight around his collar. He did his typical circle-about-the-car, inspected it as always, but then started to measure the space in steps. Like march out there 20 paces and draw, partner!
He went back and forth, methodically, counting steps from bumper to bumper. He got in his car, unfasted "The Club" and moved his car back about 3 inches, got out and measured again. Yeah, still seven paces. Wow. Dude. Get a hobby. Three whole inches... which is a lot if you're not a very well endowed man, but in a parking space? Puh-lease.
I've seen this guy around the neighborhood since I moved in years ago, on the El and in Jewel. I've said "good morning" or some type of friendly greeting and he shoots me these wildly bewildered and somehow angry looks. Who shit on your parade? Yeah. I know - the pidgeons.
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